Archive for July, 2012

Post #157: Downward Blog

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been down for months now, and it’s just not convenient.

Depression, for me, right now, is a weird feeling in my head. It’s not a headache, but it’s a tingly feeling. It runs down, through my left arm - for some reason. It’s a weird chill, that just seems to be asking me to let loose and cry. It’s not painful. It’s just a feeling.

This happens fairly often. I just think that I’m going to try a different approach to it. I don’t think that I can solve it, if only I were in a better job, or with somebody else, or working towards my passion. Instead, I think I’m just someone who falls into depression on a regular basis, and I’m just going to fully embrace the feeling.

I’m tempted to go on facebook and “vaguebook” about it. :)

I told my frisbee team that I wanted to get shitfaced, because I’ve been down for a while. It was a good night. Sure, we talked a bit about it, but there was no advice given. We’re better than that. We just talked about pressures and stress and society and then wandered into other topics. Heck, I was pretty chipper the entire night, if I do say so myself. It was only when I would duck into the bathroom on my own, that I’d let myself marinate in the wretchedness I was feeling. I made sure no one else was in there and then punched a wall one or two times before returning to the group.

One friend told me about an interesting study last night. There was a study on the effects of “forced cheerfulness” in industries like the service industry, where you’re facing customers all the time and have to fake being happy. The question was whether it made things worse, to pretend like you were happy when you were really sad. The conclusion was that there was no negative effects that came from faking good moods.

I don’t know how these people fake it, but then again, I guess it’s just like anything that you do over and over again. If you’re dealing with people all the time, you just know what’s appropriate and what’s not.

What usually sucks about telling people that you’re depressed is that they then start to reach out. And worse, you kind of don’t want to “pay” them back for their empathy. It’s like, I want to vent, say my piece, and then leave me alone. Don’t rub my back or offer to drive me home. No niceties. I’ll just feel like I owe you one, and I hate being in social debt to people.

Ideally, you’d tell people you’re down, you’d get exempt from work for a while, and only when you’re better - the difference we’d all know and recognize as well as having or not having a cold - would you come back. You’d spend your days moping around the house until you were moped out. A few sleeps, a few soups, and you’d be back on your feet. Right?

Of course, I don’t recall that ever working. Otherwise, someone would have figured that out by now, and we’d all be recovering quite nicely from depression. Instead, it’s just a matter of working through it.

Well, even if a few days off doesn’t resolve the issue, I’m still glad that I take every other Friday off. I do hope I can shake myself out of it sooner, rather than later. Apologies for the downward blog, but I haven’t been writing at all, and at least now you know the reasons.

David =B~)

Post #156: What the buffet taught me

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

It’s great to be back home again.  As great as an all-inclusive resort can be, there’s nothing better than a vacation that makes you home sick.  When you first start, you’re overwhelmed by the colours, and the heat, and the beach, and the drinks, and the buffet… and when you’re done, you’re sunburned, you’re dehydrated from the alcohol, and your stomach has been disagreeing with you for at least three days.

Still, you’ve spent the entire week doing absolutely nothing, that you can’t complain.  To be clear, I’m not really complaining about the resort here.  I’m complaining about my inexperience with resorts.  If there’s one thing they don’t teach you in school, it’s how to restrain yourself in times of plenty.  Life and parents are all about squirreling your assets away, and being greedy when you can.  I tell ya, it’s the problem of our generation: too many options, and not enough guidelines.

For example, at the buffet, I would fill my plate with meat and seafood and potatoes and pastries, without even a glance at the salads.  On my first day, I chastised myself for taking a small spoonful of white rice, and I never did so again.  It took up too much real estate on my plate.  I thought that I’d figure out the buffet routine by the third day, but they kept changing the meats, and I’d be torn: new food, or old favourite?  (Don’t chide me about having half a serving of each.  My portions per item were small enough already.)  It was a problem I’ve never had to face before.  By the fourth day, I was telling my girlfriend that I was tired of eating.  I was tired of eating, and yet I was still leaving the buffet with a pile of food on my plate.  I tried using a smaller plate, but by then my taste buds had refused to reward me for, yet again, a good haul of free food.  What was the solution!?  Long story short, I started piling a salad on my plate.  I went back to the large plate, and still got my favourite foods, but that salad - that fibre - really made a difference to me.

That’s perhaps the most important lesson that I took from the trip.  I had a lot of fun, and there are a number of stories to tell, but not today.  I just got back last night.  Let me digest. :)