Archive for January, 2011

Post #127: Vincibility! Finally!

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. ~World Health Organization, 1948
The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind. ~G.K. Chesterton

Dear Alice,

I’m such an oddball! I suspect that you might find this rather contrarian, but I was just diagnosed with a disease on Friday and I’m thrilled to finally be mortal.

I went to the doctor on Friday, and they found a mild case of ulcerative colitis developing in my colon. I wasn’t put on medication, I’m just to watch my diet and they’ll take another look in a month.

What a relief!

You see, it’s hard to stay confident when you don’t know yourself. I knew all along that I’m not perfect, but if I’m not perfect, then what the heck are my flaws? Does everyone else know them? Why aren’t I aware of them?! Until they rear their ugly heads, I may never know. I can just speculate… and we all know how many monsters end up under the bed when you start to speculate.

Finally, I’ve got a known weakness! I’ve got something to fight against! No more what-ifs! It’s time to make some adjustments.

David =B~)

P.S. I got something exactly like this five years ago. I went to my friend’s cottage for a weekend, and when I came back, I had a fever which developed into serious tummy problems. The issues lasted for about week - with an assortment of colours showing themselves in my bathroom throne. I went to the nearby walk-in-doctors’ office, they took stool samples, but by the time the results were in, my bowel troubles were gone. The doctors stopped caring. i.e. The disease went into remission. Five years later, I travel to Grenada for some R&R, and on the last night of my vacation, the same tummy issues came back to haunt me! I’ve got ideas for what might be setting off my stomach, but they’re just theories. We’ll see.

Post #126: Call it Stockholm Syndrome, but I love this world

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

But here we are, monogamists, swearing it will last
I know it seems ridiculous, considering our past
But I will always be true to you
Yes, I will always be true to you
“All The Young Monogamists”, Steven Page

Dear Alice,

I’ll be referring to the night my friends now fondly refer to as, “The Night From Hell”. It was a good one. I somehow missed you there.

It’s true. You can’t forgive if you can’t forget, but who wants to remember something so bad? For the poetry? Look, there are some things that aren’t worth working out on your own. If you ever want help forgetting what happened, if you want help coming to terms with what happened, as always, I’m more than willing to help set you free.

Unless you enjoy the mutual torture, since I care about you too much not to feel it as well. We can wait until 2012 and see what happens. Your move, chief.

David =B~)

P.S. I suffered shell shock when the biggest letter bomb happened to me about three weeks ago. I had to act quick when it landed, as I was busy at work when it happened. I was struck to the core, to the bone, when I read the words that were written so beautifully ugly, with stars(*) to block out the bad four-lettered spots. What timing! What bloody perfect timing! I had to act fast, and reached out to a friend, who stayed close, and he read what was said, while I steadied myself. In the end, I felt love for the one who had started the war. For I knew myself better than his letter had claimed. I was no longer scared, so I dared to reach out to him; ask him what time could we sit down to discuss what he must think is so dire. I almost died when he finally replied, “it’s a joke! it’s a quote! it’s a misunderstanding, you bloke!” Then I cried for a while. A very long while. It’s the first time I thought him an idiot. And the crack that he made gave way to a brave, brave new world, for the perfect idiot. I’m afraid that I’m the perfect idiot. Good World, You have finally made me the perfect idiot.

Post #125: Grenada, week two; I got a fever…

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

There is no such thing as a life of passion any more than a continuous earthquake, or an eternal fever. Besides, who would ever shave themselves in such a state? — George Byron

Dear Alice,

Would you believe me if I told you that I caught a fever only hours before my flight back home? The day has been one of sleeping and reading, and only recently of eating such stomach settling foods as chicken soup and cereal. Bran cereal and bananas, for regulating traffic; ginger ale for good measure.

The second week of Grenada was fantastic. My friend and I had adventure after adventure in the waters, ranging from troll fishing to waterfalls to scuba diving to lounging on the beach. It was a good transition from the first week, as he helped pull me out of the headspace I was in. Not that it was a bad headspace - I just couldn’t return to the working world with it. :)

Tomorrow, I’m back at work, but it’s 11 pm and I still have this headache. Maybe I’ll head to a walk-in-clinic first.

David =B~)

Post #124: The Purple Queen

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Dear Alice,

If this is how we must speak
Then gorgeous love, so be it
My hands and feet have gotten weak
But I can see you need it

Teachers come from far and why
To lead your heart astray
I hear your voice, I know its cry
From miles online away

You’ve made it clear, you’ve said your vows
There’s fire in these walls
I cannot fix what’s broken now
It’s all or none at all

And here I stand, or here I write
In haste so that it’s true
And send my words of opened sight
To find this broken you

The eye of the beholder
Is the sharpest of the knives
This chip upon your shoulder
Is affecting many lives

You pain and yes you suffer
And I suffer with you too
They asked me if I love her
But if so, then I love you

I feel every emotion
And I worry all the same
As when I felt devotion
To your eye sight and your name

I’ll dream you as a purple queen
I’ll dream you as myself
I’m chasing you, I’m chasing me
I’m writing for our health

- David

Post #123: Grenada week one is done

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Creative people are very insecure people because they don’t know whether people like them or are in awe of them. That insecurity always comes out. It makes them a better actor, I feel.
– Persis Khambatta

Dear Alice,

Okay, so the first week went well. Well enough, I should say. I spent a lot of it just listening to conversations, and letting myself simply observe body language. I spoke infrequently, and when I did, I’d watch as the idea rippled through the air, and change the conversation, if only for a few moments. I got to get to know a couple of friends a lot better too, and they were both capable and willing to put up with me in this state. I really appreciated it, and I learned a lot from just being with them.

The entire week was going well, until last night, when a friend triggered one of my biggest insecurities. I couldn’t talk to people anymore. Worse, there were no distractions or games or activities to be a part of. These gatherings just bring people together so that they can share the friendly vibes, but my vibes had gone sour and I couldn’t seem to fix them. I tried dancing, but it didn’t work. I left for air, but that didn’t work either. The only thing left for me to do was to leave.

So, that was this week. Next week, my friend comes down to see the place, and there’s a lot of stuff to do. It should be fun.

David =B~)

Post #122: Recalibration

Saturday, January 8th, 2011

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience! — George Bernard Shaw

Dear Alice,

In order to become more “magical”, I’ve been searching my soul (read: my haphazard memories) for information.  It’s been painful, and exhausting, and sleep depriving.  I spent all my energies doing that, only to make me utterly useless at work.  Mind you, I felt like I was asking some of the best questions I’ve ever asked - really leading the discussion forward - but it must have looked painful.  I squirmed in my seat, searching for the words to say, and sometimes not finding them at all.  Plus, I couldn’t get any programming work done.

I make myself extremely vulnerable when I do this sort of introspection.  I can’t relax because in order to dig deep, I make myself hyper-sensitive to my surroundings.  (It’s similar to when you perk up your ears to noises.)  I can’t play with other people when I do this because even the jokes make some sort of cosmic sense.  I get lost in a made up, self-aggrandizing narrative, but what’s worse is that my friendliness pulls other people into that potentially crazy narrative with me.  I’ve got to be careful.

Le sigh.  So, I can’t do this forever.  I’m going to get what I can from it and then put it back in its box again. I’ll be in Grenada for two weeks.  Hopefully that’ll be enough to figure out what to gain from this sort of recalibration, and how to avoid collecting too many crazy misinterpretations of both life and my part in it.

David =B~)