Archive for November, 2009

Post #70: Oil and Water

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Dear Alice,

My girlfriend and I are having trouble being in public places. It’s odd. I’m in dreamland when I’m around her, and I lose track of time when we’re together. We make plans to do productive things, but a lot of the time, we find ourselves simply gazing into each other’s eyes with no real intent on stopping. Then, we end up in public places, and our eyes meet, and the world slows down for me, and people have to walk around us on the sidewalk.

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Post #69: Impossibly Independent

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

Dear Alice,

It came up while talking to Daniel that I didn’t think he was driven to be independent, and he was offended. I felt bad saying it to him, but I just told him that that’s how it looks to me, when I think of what defines Daniel: it’s his playing Xbox.

He’s buried with the guilt of the entire family, waiting for him to get his act in gear. That must suck royally. I know that the main push for me was guilt too - I didn’t want to be a burden to my mother - yet I still let my sister essentially carry me on her shoulders for three years up here. Some days, I feel like running back home, and getting myself all sorted out, but it sounds weak. I feel like I’d be disappointing my parents. Besides, there’s no tangible reason to do so. I can sit on my ass at work, and the pay cheques will still come in…. not true. I feel like a boxer, still in the ring, no longer having the strength to defend himself. It’s time I get out.

What is this push to become independent? Angel ran from her mother. Rachel ran from her father. I cut ties with my parents. [edit: Cut the funding. I was driven by guilt to stop being a monetary burden on my parents.] It seems like we just get so exhausted from the attachment, that we just want out. It’s inevitable.

With that in mind, I’d guess that the role of the parent is to make sure you time your leave well. It seems that with any emotional attachment, you need to be (1) well-prepared to leave, and (2) know that you’re well-prepared to leave. You won’t make it far into the cold without your jacket, and the longer you sit in one place, the more baggage you’re going to want to take with you.

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Post #68: An Ambitious Definition

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

Dear Alice,

I met up with Angel after work. Weird, eh? We bumped into each other at a Halloween party on Saturday, and decided to meet again for coffee.

Was it nice? Well, sort of. I mean, well, not really. She’s doing fine, and that’s nice to know. I just couldn’t easily relax around her, you know? Where we’ve got opposing views on life, and I don’t think we appreciate the same things, and we can’t seem to work towards too many agreements on the debatable topics, and I’m sure that meeting after work was a bad idea, since work fries my brain… but there were a few moments where I found myself thinking that our bantering was cool.

Yet, the one point that surprised me the most is that this girl… is not ambitious…?

Ambition:
1. an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment: Too much ambition caused him to be disliked by his colleagues.
2. the object, state, or result desired or sought after: The crown was his ambition.
3. desire for work or activity; energy: I awoke feeling tired and utterly lacking in ambition.

This doesn’t make sense, and yet it makes perfect sense. She’s making progress up the business ladder… but she dabbles in everything. There’s no focus. She’s as much of a weather-vane woman as Rachel is! Well, I’ll be damned! No, I won’t. Must think….

…I got it. Okay, so what she IS ambitious about is independence. That’s what I liked about her, and that’s where she and I agree. Rachel, on the other hand, didn’t show much drive in this direction, (and nor does Daniel, while I’m bitching about people). Where Rachel and I worked is that we could come to an agreement on debatable topics… I think… we seemed to only work things out through e-mail, and that’s another story.

Anyways, I’m not entirely ambitious myself. I do have the pipe dream, but it’s fading. I don’t think I’m looking for that in a girl. I just think that I’m looking for more and better feedback, and my current lady friend is wonderfully responsive in that department. Hooray.

David =B~)